Sprint Customer "Care"

Hot off the presses. This is a conversation that just ended moments ago between myself and a Sprint online representative.

My browser was parked on a window displaying Sprint's service plans because I was trying to figure out which one to choose for my new Blackberry. All of a sudden, a chat window opens up. I don't know if I accidentally hit the chat button or what but I didn't intend to chat with anyone. Nevertheless, a seemingly friendly rep named Rebecca offers assistance.

I gladly accept. Quite frankly, I'm a little confused about the whole deal with data plans and stuff. I started relating my story in the hope of getting some good advice.

Somewhere in the middle, the whole thing got a little...strange. What follows is a transcript:

Agent: Hello, I'm a Sprint products and services expert. May I help you pick the plan that is best for you?

Me: Hi there. Yeah, maybe.

Agent: I can address your concerns. First, may I move this chat to the top of your window so it won't block the web page and allow me to better assist you as we move to other pages? OK?

Me: Sure thing.

Agent: Can you see the page below?

Me: Nothing yet...

Me: Looks like it's trying, though

Agent: Ok, just let me know if it loads or not.

Me: I don't think it's going to make it. I've got this chat and then a white empty space below it.

Agent: Ok, no problem.

Agent: I'm going to send the Sprint Home Page to the bottom of your screen. OK?

Me: Does it help if I let you know I'm on Firefox or have you already detected that?

Me: Ok.

Me: There we go.

Agent: Excellent!

Me: So...I've got a question...

Agent: Ok, shoot.

Me: About 5 years back I signed up with Sprint through my employer at the time. It was a business account, basically, which we've [Note: "We" being my wife and me.] held on to. Both our phones are on the plan and it costs about $70/month plus whatever.

Me: I just recently got a Blackberry Pearl, but it's no good on the old plan.

Me: Every time I've tried to change the plan online, I've gotten a message that I have to call.

Me: Why is that?

Agent: Ok, well have you called yet?

Me: No, I hate talking on the phone. Kidding. Truth be told, I usually put the decision off at that point. I'm still not sure which plan to go to for what I need want.

Me: I just now sat down and decided to have another look.

Agent: ok

Agent: Let me get that information for you. Would you mind holding on while I do that?

Me: So, obviously, a Blackberry isn't much of a Blackberry without some kind of data plan. That's what I need to figure out.

Me: Sure.

Agent: Sorry for the inconvenience.

[Note: Okay, here comes the weird...]

Agent: I'm sorry. Unfortunately, I am unable to assist you with your request online and I do not have access to your account information. Please contact our Customer Care at 1-800-639-6111.

Agent: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Me: What, just like that?

Me: Should I be logged in or something?

Agent: Not to be mean

Agent: But you really do have to call customer care.

Agent: We cant fix that problem online right now.

Me: It's not mean; it's a bit odd. Like it's the part of the movie where you just found out the government is watching this conversation.

Agent: Ok, so do you have the number to customer care?

Me: Yes, I do, but I'm just trying to understand something: is your having access to my account a matter of me logging into the site, or is there some other protocol at work here?

Me: Like, if I log in and get another online rep will they be able to help me at least get some answers about plans?

Agent: We cannot access your account online.

Agent: And once you call in they will answer all the questions you have ok.

Me: I understand, but you just said you tried and couldn't. That leads me to believe that ordinarily you can. I'm trying to understand why you can't in this case.

Me: I don't mean to press I'm just puzzled.

Agent: You really need to call customer service.

BAM!

Session over!

The screen goes blank and a customer experience survey pops up, which I complete honestly and to the best of my ability.

There was no malice or mischief whatsoever on my part. I was just genuinely surprised by the sudden Hitchcockian turn in the interaction. I felt like the outsider who walks into the village to find doors being slammed and shutters being latched. It was just really, really effing weird.

Evidently the conversation just went a little too far off script.

Oh, well.

bass ghost

bass ghost
Originally uploaded by Jon Glassett

This is here strictly because I like the thought of nesting the various vehicles of expression. I could get even more meta with this by hand drawing a replica of this photo and then scanning it and making a composite in photoshop or something like that. Or by making a t-shirt with this image on it and then photographing myself wearing said t-shirt while holding the bass in this same fashion, then printing out the resulting photo and writing my manifesto on it and taking the whole mess out in the back yard and burning it, thereby releasing it all into the ether. After all, why wait for time to do it?