3 Odd Things I Noticed While Making Tuna Noodle Salad

Or

"My Kitchen is a Laugh Riot"

Or

"Hello from the Bottom of the Blog Barrel"

Anyway.

I was making tuna noodle salad and I noticed 3 somewhat amusing details about our kitchen, specifically the microwave and stove.

Note the green button. This button is found on our microwave.

Sometimes, after a really hard day of grueling office work, I have neither the time nor the energy to execute the three keystrokes it takes to fire up a frozen burrito. What can I do?

No problem. "Easy Cook" saves me at least a solid half-second and lets me get on with spreading out in a gelatinous mass on the couch lickety-split. It's even marked in green so my eyes don't have to work too hard to find it. Thank you, technology!

Incidentally, the "Favorite Recipe" button is a complete farce. I've hit that bastard a number of times and not once has a pile of delicious cutlets ever come flying out. NOT ONCE.

This next one is more a matter of personal preference, really.

Note that the burners are identified as "Front" and "Rear". I don't know what the manufacturer had against calling them "Front" and "Back". I guess I'm just a little put off by the lack of consideration for tried-and-true idioms like "Let's put that one on the back burner for now".

I can't very well put things on the back burner in my kitchen, now, can I? Where am I supposed to put stuff that is better left to deal with later? The rear burner? No. It just doesn't sound right. The rear burner is a place for burning rears.

I can't help thinking this is the product of meddling by some persnickety English major who'll be damned if a cliché gets by on their watch, even if they are working in a stove factory instead of writing or teaching.

Maybe it's just me.

The Big "O"ven?

That's not intentional?

Come on...

Really???

All this talk about rears and big O's is making me hungry. Have a nice weekend.

50 Blog Topics I Hope You DON'T Write

Howdy!

Here are 50 blog topics I hope never to see on anyone's blog ever:

1. Elderly Seduction Tips: Night at the Casino
2. You're All the Same in My Night Vision Goggles
3. Mall Sniping
4. Extreme Thrillseeker Trends: Contracting Rabies on Purpose
5. Scarification for Toddlers
6. Things I Hide in the Halloween Candy
7. Stuff to Huff
8. Night of the Shovels
9. Diary of a Glass Eater
10. LOLCorpses
11. Top Ten Roadhouse Urinals
12. My Hammer, My Friend
13. Hidden Confessional Cams
14. The Spitter Diaries
15. Pol Pot Just Misunderstood?
16. 10 Ways to Get More Hair in Your Diet
17. Why I Hate My Children
18. Hepatitis ABC's
19. Stop Picking on OJ!
20. Taxidermy Pranks
21. Let's Bring Back Book Burning
22. Cholostomy Catastrophes
23. Maybe the Westboro Baptist Church is Right
24. Choosing the Right Office Stapler for YOU
25. Mayonnaise Shootout!
26. Funeral Recap
27. Chinese Restaurant Dumpster Diving Meme
28. How Oil Spills Help Aquatic Birds
29. I Watch You Sleep
30. Is It Rotten?
31. Lawnmower vs. Dog
32. I Think I Killed Someone
33. Better Living Through Paranoia
34. Places I've Peed
35. Is It Infected?
36. The Spoiled Ham Challenge
37. Passive-Aggressive Web Strategies
38. Top Ten Evidence Destruction Techniques
39. The Bass Solo Podcast - Episode 4,059
40. Gifts from My Cat
41. Dr. Phil Quotes
42. Getting Your Friends' Medical Records
43. Snot or Not?
44. Dinner Party Fart Jokes
45. MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK LOL
46. Regurgitation: A Healthy Alternative to Breastfeeding
47. I Eat a Bowl of Ticks
48. My "Dog: the Bounty Hunter" Haircut!
49. Rap Metal Is Not Dead
50. Live Animal Microwave Times

Thanks to Chris Brogan, Vaspers the Grate and the inimitable Loud Mouth Man for the inspiration.

Good luck!

Pumpkinrot.com Unveils The Bog Man

This guy should give away medals at Halloween. Any kid who makes it up those stairs deserves a lot more than candy.

I first learned of Pumpkinrot last year around this time and was greatly inspired by his work. Just amazing stuff. The kind of spirit I hope to capture in this and future Halloweens with my own creations.

Every year, John (the man behind Pumpkinrot) chooses a theme and then creates an amazingly detailed, nightmarish scarecrow which he puts up against much more whimsical entrants in a competition. After horrifying the public and subsequently losing to the assembly of bright colors and smiling faces, that same scarecrow is then featured in an elaborate Halloween haunt in his front yard. Fortunately for those of us who can't see it in person, John takes a lot of pictures and video (including some great music).

This year's theme: THE BOG MAN.

I don't want to post pictures without permission, so you've gotta go check out this site for yourself. Take my word for it: if you're a fan of Halloween you will not be disappointed.

PS - Don't miss the video footage of the less, er, dire scarecrows in the competition. It's a hoot.

**UPDATE**

The man himself was kind enough to grant permission to use his images, so here's a sample of what you can expect to find at Pumpkinrot:

Adult Children of Pyromaniacs

An update on the Halloween monster-making...

Yesterday I received an email from BOY containing a rather emphatic suggestion to obtain some fabric and subject it to all manner of abuse. In fact, he went as far as to include a detailed (and hilarious) diagram:

Included with this diagram was the following post script:

"PS You can also replace the burlap with anybody at work you don't like."

Hmmm. Tempting. But as it turns out I like everybody at work. I like everybody. I'm a people person.

*Cough*

Well, since this diagram involves two of my favorite activities--namely, cutting and burning--I hit the nearest fabric store immediately after work and bought some six yards of black burlap and raced home to destroy it. Here are some photos of the process:

Before. So very hot.

During. It burns!

After. Almost suitable for monster garments.

Next time I'll give you an update on the second half of the process: BURIAL.

Cheers.

A Very Bad Case of the Mondays

I've come to realize that, as far as the work week is concerned, most of the days are really not deserving of any real differentiation.

Think about it: how much do Monday through Thursday really mean to you?

If you're like me, the answer is absolutely nothing.

It's time to end the charade. As such, I've decided to make a little modification to the calendar week. Here's the current calendar:



Ok. Great. Pretty much what we're all used to, right?

Here's the new, updated, and more existentially accurate calendar:



As you can see, Monday is now 96 hours long. It still begins after Sunday, though Sunday has been renamed "Monday Eve" (abbreviated in the image as "Mon Eve") because, let's face it: Sunday is the inferior of the two weekend days. Better than half of Sunday is ruined by dread of the impending work week. Watching the clock tick down on Sunday afternoon is a lot like staring down an oncoming train. Hence, Sunday becomes Monday Eve.

Fridays are still Fridays, even though they are work days. I considered calling Friday "Saturday Eve" but, to be honest, I didn't really like the sound of it and besides it would ruin a lot of good songs. Not to mention "Saturday Eve the 13th" would sound stupid. So, even though Friday isn't all *that* great it's still better than Monday so it gets a pass.

Saturday remains the best day of the week. That is, unless you have a wedding or baby shower or something awful like that to attend. You're on your own there, I'm afraid.

Halloween Preparations Have Begun

I give you the first of several planned monsters which will be stalking the grounds this Halloween:


What you're looking at is a conglomeration of papier-mâché, tin foil and masking tape that was originally molded from a ceramic head and is presently being twisted into something...well...you decide.

The next step will be to build out the facial structure a touch more, add a few more layers of paper to the back just to firm things up. After that comes latex paint and some kind of internal lighting. Haven't quite figured that part out yet but it will probably be salvaged Christmas lights unless I get really ambitious with some kind of LED apparatus.

Then there's the 7-foot frame and slashed up, tattered cloak but that's another story.

Anyway, just a little something for any Halloween buffs out there.

Say It with Garbage

Hi.

I want to talk to you about something that I see almost every day when I'm driving to and from work.

I want to talk about messages spelled out on highway bridges with plastic cups jammed into chain link fences.

Over the years, I've driven by countless of these messages. They range from heartfelt proclamations such as "I [heart shape] U PAT" which I saw this morning, to somewhat more absurd (though probably no less heartfelt) examples like this one:



If you can't quite make that out, it says "POOP".

Here's something to consider: while there's no questioning the sincerity and good intentions of the author, I do have my doubts about the wisdom of their chosen mode of communication.

First of all, this is not an appropriate medium for messages that are intended for only one person such as the statement of affection in our first example. Which of the 347 people named Pat--both male and female--driving under that bridge between the hours of 5am and 9am are you talking to, exactly? This stands to create a great deal of confusion and consternation. Maybe a last initial would help but I sincerely doubt it. Bottom line: very ineffective.

Second, once they've been appropriated for a use other than holding a liquid and left outside, well away from human supervision, these cups become litter. Telling someone you love them using this method essentially says, "I love you enough to say it with garbage."

Third, and most importantly, are the environmental concerns. Once you walk away from the fence, you've essentially besmirched the face of Mother Earth with yet more non-biodegradable debris. Further, the cups could very well be knocked loose by an errant gust of wind and then find their way into the fragile gears of Earth's ecosystem, causing all kinds of mayhem and death and getting duckies trapped in them and whatnot.

Nice going crapping all over Gaia's face and chest because you had something so important to say that every miserable, squinting commuter on the nation's highways needs to see it.

Now, I'm not one to just complain without proposing a possible solution. My suggestion is this: there are all manner of wondrous communication tools at our disposal in this day and age. Leverage these. Your options include

• Talking to the person directly
• Using a telephone
• Sending a letter via standard mail ("snail mail")
• Skywriting
  
• Blogging
• Etc.
  

Any of these methods will make for a much more successful, far less harmful (and annoying) vehicle of self-expression.

Thank you and good luck.